I have been thinking a lot about what it means to let go. I am sure a lot of that stems from the life changes that accompany becoming a parent and to a lesser degree the changes to my work. When I didn’t have kids by the time I was 30 I had on some level written off ever having them. I went back to school and completed a graduate program, I kicked my career up another notch…got divorced….you know, the usual.
When I remarried we knew we wanted a family but it took a while to happen. Once again, I was forced the face the possibility that I might never have a child. It was gut wrenching, and as the months wore on I felt more and more like a failure. Prior to this I had undergone treatment for kidney stones and had joked that was all the pain of labor but a lousier prize at the end. Now I was having to face the awful possibility that the only thing I may ever labor to release into the world would be a small rock. When I turned 35 I very nearly gave up. I could see my window narrowing and I could not force this to happen. I did not want to carry this silent sadness with me anymore. If you have experienced difficulty conceiving, its can be hard to explain what it feels like or how even the most well meaning comments are painful. I wanted to release myself from my sadness, my anger and my resentment…so I let go. It was a process, but every night I would visualize sitting with my hands open, releasing the hurt and the frustration and making those open hands available for whatever was next.
It would make for a better story if I told you I got pregnant right away after that. I didn’t, thats way too rom com for this girl…but it did happen. The pregnancy was a little rough and the delivery was …not how we had planned it, but in the end I had my sweet girl. So much better than a small rock, take that kidney stone!
If you knew me, you would know that I like to be in control. I don’t like others to take the wheel. Not being a decision maker worries me but I have to let go of “what was” so “what could be” can move in. I still struggle to keep those hands open, but I am ready. Ready to believe, ready to receive and ready for whats next.